salt for sugar
if he wants to
be with you
it’s that simple
– Rupi Kaur
This poem sums up one of the most important life lessons I have ever learned. Have you ever allowed yourself to become absolutely besotted with a guy, despite having no clue where you actually stand with him? It’s cliche but you should never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option. Unfortunately, if you aren’t sure if you’re a priority – you’re not. That’s the harsh truth. And I’ve had to go through a fair few heartaches to realise and accept it.
I know I’m not the only one screenshotting texts from guys and forwarding them to my bestie to help uncover the “hidden meaning” behind them (sorry, Jesse). When a guy is playing hot and cold with us, we’ll waste hours worrying and having exhausting conversations, trying to decode his behaviour to the point of ad nauseam. But the truth is, when a guy is truly interested, there is no questioning, no wondering and no self-imposed drama trying to figure it out. You won’t even have to text your besties for their opinion because the guy’s actions will tell you loud and clear when he is interested and anything less should reveal, he’s just not serious. If he’s not knocking down the door, stop wasting your time. I know it sucks. But c’est la vie. There is no grey area. Everything is black and white. If he wants to make it happen, he will make it happen.
I came to this realisation when I first met my ex-boyfriend. I had only been single for a few months after going through what was potentially the worst breakup of my life. My heart was still tender, I was only just managing to readjust to singledom and was absolutely not looking to date, anyone. He knew this but regardless, he pursued me. And by “pursued”, I mean he chased me relentlessly. I couldn’t escape him (in the best way! haha). I would show up at work to be greeted by smirking workmates holding flowers he had left for me. I’d go to drive home to find love letters tucked under the windscreen wiper of my car. And then… I’d finally arrive at my house only to find gift-wrapped jewellery boxes on my doorstep! And honestly – that’s not even the half of it! I’d never known anything like it in my life. This guy was not playing around. At all. He knew what he wanted and he was going to get it even if it killed him (or drove him to bankruptcy). His unrelenting determination *obviously* paid off, after a while, I finally said “yes” to being his girlfriend… and that’s when I finally learned when a guy truly wants you, he will do everything in his power to get you.
Prior to being in that relationship, I had spent so much time convincing myself these other guys (who were less than serious) would come around, stop treating me like second-class trash and become good boyfriends. Unfortunately and inevitably, it didn’t happen. In every case, I was running from the truth. Sometimes, instead of simply accepting the literal, we do whatever manipulation we can in our mind to stop ourselves from hurting. When a guy is sending mixed signals, we make all kinds of excuses and justifications for his actions and somewhere along the way, we lose the truth. And perhaps worst of all – we lost sight of what we really deserve, getting so caught up in infatuation, we settle for being treated like sh*t. We will lie awake at night waiting for a text from some guy who takes 48 hours to reply. We want him to be our boyfriend but reluctantly agree to be “friends with benefits”. We don’t complain when he says he “doesn’t believe in labels”, even though we’d happily write “taken” across our own forehead. We never meet his mum (or even his mates) and he refuses to make it Facebook-official, knowing every time we look at his profile, it stings. Yet we give him our time, energy, love and our tears. Why the hell do we do that? Why do we waste a single moment waiting, praying, hoping for some guy to realise our worth? As if we need his validation. As if we need his love to sleep at night. As if he is the one who fills our lungs with air.
Let me tell you: You need nothing from that boy. If he can’t tell you “where this is going”. The answer is nowhere. And f*ck that. Seriously. You deserve someone that would tattoo a portrait of your face on their body, hand paint a giant poster with your name across and run naked down a highway with it, declaring their love for you. Ha. I’m only 100% serious. Ladies – know your worth. You’re not a doormat. You’re not a pit stop for some commitment-phobe to stick his junk before he moves onto the next one. You are not a 2AM booty call. And you are definitely not just an option. You are girlfriend material. Hell, you’re wife material. MILF material. You’re a bloody goddess. And you deserve more than a painful love. You deserve more than half a heart. Please, please don’t settle for some indecisive chauvinist when there is someone out there who would truly go to the ends of the earth just for a chance with you. So, stop manipulating his words and hear them for what they truly are. See him for what he truly is. Don’t accept the apologies, this time will be no different from the last, whatever it may be. If he promises and promises more but keeps putting it off, it’s just because he knows damn well you’re not going anywhere. He knows how much you love him and is holding this idea as well as you, hostage. You’re still so young. Let him go. This will be a papercut in your heartbreak archives, which will grow so thick you don’t even know.
Remember the truth of who you are – whole, complete, loveable and worthy – with or without him. It’s time to stop pouring your precious liquid love onto people who don’t appreciate it and start bathing in it yourself. You can replace his lack of love with an abundance of your own. And I can promise you this: when you are overflowing with love from within, you will only attract and be attracted to the real deal when it comes to romantic love. More importantly, you won’t waste another thought, emotion or tear on a half-assed guy. It won’t even register on your radar because it just won’t matter to you – it will no longer equate to meaning anything about you. You won’t take it personally, you won’t allow it to devalue you, and moving on will be a breeze. I know, I know I know, easier said than done, but I have done it, and actually doing it is the hardest part. But I promise once you do, you’ll realise what you deserve – and it’s more than him.
Everything you’ve ever needed is within you. Not in the arms of a man.
You’re gonna be okay. Trust.